iPandacakes

Hello, everyone.

I know, I disappeared again. I'm sorry.. These past few years a lot has changed; Including me.

No matter how many times I would keep saying, "I'm coming back!"/"I'm still posting on here!"/etc. I still keep finding myself drifting away from this website.. drifting away from friends and people who were all excited to hear from me.

I continued to lose motivation and honestly; day by day I just forget to log on.

After a while, time goes on and it's been another month of being offline before I even knew how much time had actually passed.

I've been stuck in this endless loop of trying to keep this account alive.. so I've come to a decision.

After over a decade of being on this account, I have decided to say goodbye.

Not to being on deviantArt at all; but I am saying goodbye to this account.

It's been a long time coming.. but I have created a new account, and will be starting fresh there.. but in order to do that, I need to say goodbye to this one.

Saying goodbye to this account is not easy... this account is literally the reason I am where I'm at today.

This account has helped me make lifelong friends I could never replace, this account has helped me meet the love of my life and in turn, started me down a road to almost a decade of happiness and love; which is still going strong.. and in turn has also led me to the birth of my son, whom I love with the entirety of my heart. It all started here.. on this account.

In this last decade or more I have gained over 8,000 watchers on this account.. I have created stories and characters that I will never forget and that will be a part of me for the rest of my life. (Regardless of them being MLP OCs lol)

I have had this account risen to popularity to the point people were referring to me as "senpai" and their idol; which are titles I never imagined I would ever be called.

I have had people tell me I inspired them to start their own Next Gen universes after following mine.. and I have received countless fan arts and admiration I have never felt like I was ever worthy to receive; I was always just creating these stories and posts to have fun and share creativity - never in a million years did I imagine it was going to take off as fast as it did.. but it did. And I don't think I'll ever be able to repay this community for how amazing you all made me feel.

I have made so many friends in my time on this account, and I have conversed with so many other amazing people and experienced so many wonderful stories and designs..

To reach a point in my dA life where my own "idols" and inspirations were acknowledging me, and even some including me in their own art - those are moments I'll never forget.

I have had a hate blog made about me, I have made friends and enemies both; but I have also befriended many of my past "enemies" as well.. And over the years I've looked back on those situations and events and it makes me feel better in a weird way.. to see how far I've come; and how much I have changed as a person as I've grown older. I do not regret anything from my past, because every moment has led me to where I am today. And accepting your past is how you learn to grow from it.. whether they're good memories or bad.

I have seen my characters copied, stolen; I have had countless people over the years pretending to be me, or pretending my characters were their own.. I've been through it all.

But that's all in the past.. and it's time to move forward.

For those of you who I left unanswered, or to those who are upset certain storylines were left unfinished; I sincerely apologize. And please know, I never intended to abandon customs or plotlines, and that life solely got the better of me. My motivation to log on was gone, my life because an endless routine of raising my son and (if im being honest) playing my Switch in my free time. lol After a while, I honestly just kept forgetting to come back.

So that is why I decided to start over. Start on a brand new account, and slowly try to have some fun on here again.

I will not be deleting this account. I want to make that very clear.

I thought about doing it, but with over a decade of memories and work that has gone into this account, I just couldnt bring myself to delete it. So I will keep this account open, so others and myself can come back and look through it from time to time; but I will no longer be here... I will be on my new account from now on.

To those who watch and follow me for my MLP Next Gen (Pandaverse), fear not, that universe and the characters will still exist - but they will be revamped again and given a new universe name; because after I post this journal, iPandacakes will be no more.. so the "Pandaverse" as a name will also no longer be a thing.. I will be reuploading the characters in my MLP Next Gen to my new account. (I feel way too much attachment to my characters, there was no way in hell I could've ever left them behind) To every other user who had an OC in my universe, those characters will not be going anywhere or be altered without your permissions~ They'll just be rebranded in a new universe title. Same universe, new title.

I know this has been a long journal, and to anyone who has been reading this far into it - I want to say thank you. And I want to take a moment to thank every single person who has helped make this account as big as it was.

I know I always said "my watchers are the best watchers", but I meant it: You guys are all amazing, even if we've never spoken or even gotten to say hi. Every one of you have helped get me where I am today and there arent enough words to be written or time in a day to express how grateful I am to each and every one of you. This account means so much to me.. and I really hope you all enjoyed my time on this account and in this community.

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If you would like to continue watching me, here is my new account: KayterTots

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Please keep in mind, with well over a decades worth of stories and characters to sort through, it may take me a while to get my new account up and running (so to speak), so my account my be empty for quite some time; But DONT BE AFRAID to stop in and say hello~!

If you're an old friend, I would love to catch up.. and if you're new, I am always up for making potential new friends!

I am no longer going by the nickname, "Panda". That part of me is over.. honestly, my nickname hasn't even been Panda since around 2013/14.

If you don't want to refer to me by my real name, (Kayla/Kay) my new preferred nickname is, "Kayter / Kayter Tot". It was the nickname my boyfriend gave to me shortly after our relationship started, and its still my nickname to this day.

That being said, I will also be redesigning my ponysona and retiring "Pancake" as the face of my account. (Despite the fact my new account currently has Pancake as a profile icon, it was all I had saved in my files at the moment lol) but that will come later whenever I get the free time to design a new ponysona.

So to wrap this journal up, I just want to say thank you all. For everything.

I will never forget this account and how much it has changed my life being here.

I will always be grateful for that.

Goodbye, iPandacakes.

Hello, KayterTots!

Sincerely,

Kayter Tot. (Formerly known as "Panda")

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I've decided to start working on some custom designs in my spare time.

I am only doing shipping customs at the moment because they are the most fun for me to do.

I am willing to make customs for both Points and PayPal, please state which payment you would prefer while commenting for your custom.

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PRICES

- 500 or $5 USD each

(Added 100 / $1 for additional parents [More than 2 parents] and/or added 100 / $1 for cutie mark design if desired)

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RULES

- Fill out the form below and post in comments

- Be patient, I am usually away from the computer in most cases. (Newborn baby needs his momma lol)

- Do not send payment until I finish your custom and reply with the confirmation its finished.

- Maximum of 3 customs per person

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CUSTOM FORM FILL OUT

- Desired Ship:

- Preferred Gender (if any):

- Preferred Species (if any):

- Preferred Colors (if any):

- PayPal or Points:

- Cutie Mark or No Cutie Mark:

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Please remember requesting a cutie mark design does cost extra.

Please include cutie mark costs into your final pricing before asking for one.

Hey guys.. so within the next week or so, I'm going to try and boot up my laptop again and start working on some PayPal adoptables/customs.. I was wondering if there was anything specific you'd like to see from me?

I'm not doing commissions at the moment though, I havnt drawn in years now, and I dont feel comfortable enough drawing full bodies anymore.

But I had my baby, his name is Jace. He's absolutely perfect and I've never been more in love with a tiny human... but my work has yet to pay me for maternity leave and my hospital bills are rolling in now that he's here.. Just need to try and get something going to bring in some form payment now that I'm not getting anything.

If anyone would be willing to donate anything at all, I'll post my PayPal info below.. but I'm not asking you to do so. I never like truely asking for anything, but this momma needs to try something done; I can't just sit around and hope Travis can make up for my lack of income.

My PayPal information: https://www.paypal.me/kaytertotpanda

So, yeah.. If you guys have any ideas of what you'd like to see or would be willing to purchase from me custom wise, please let me know.

I still prefer MLP designs and adoptables, its just comfortable for me to do after all these years.

Thank you all in advance ♥️ Heres a picture of my son for you all to enjoy in the mean time. 😍

Hello everyone; long time no see.. yes, I am alive, and I know its been quite a while since I've been online again.. and for that I truely apologize. I know last time I came back from disappearing, I told everyone I would try to stay as active as I could and post something once in a while... and then I went and disappeared on you guys again. Again, I am sorry for that ♥️ My life has had a lot of changes the past few years, and has interfered with a lot of my free time and (to be completely honest) my desire and inspiration to come online has more or less died.. I cant say I dont miss coming online here and I can't say I dont miss this community; because I do. But a lot has changed, and I've had to focus on me, my life, my job and most importantly my family. As some of you may remember, back in 2019/2020 I lost a pregnancy. I was 19 weeks and am lost my son. I was still active at the time, because it helped keep my mind off of my heartbreak and loss. I have never been the same since, thats for sure.. and I still miss him everyday. However, what no one here knows [minus a few close friends I talk to outside of deviantart] is I am actually, currently, pregnant again.. Only this time, I didnt lose him. ♥️😊 I am currently 8 months pregnant, 34 weeks to be exact.. and I will be getting induced in 4 weeks. After my previous loss, knowing how healthy and perfect this pregnancy has gone has been surreal; and I honestly still have trouble accepting it some days. But next month, I will finally get to hold and meet my son.. and I couldn't be more proud of how far we've come together during this journey. I start maturnity leave in 2 weeks, and I wanted to come online and share this update because I had been talking to my dear friend Katsuforov-Chan, and I am going to try to be active during my free time on maternity leave. [Keyword here is try.. I will have a newborn baby but whenever he's asleep, that time is for me and I want to use it to try and be myself again. Because I truely do miss this community and can't wait to find my spark again] But if I still take weeks to answer your messages or may not post anything for a while, please remember I am still here.. Just watching off on the sidelines for now; until I am ready to dive back in. I will continue checking in from time to time, and I appreciate any watcher/follower of mine who is still active themselves. I know I've gained a lot of new watchers still even while being inactive; and to these new people I say hello and want to thank you and appreciate that you still find things about my characters and art compelling. It's an honor to still be inspiring people after all these years.. and I hope, soon, I can rejoin this community and continue to share even more of my ideas and stories with everyone again. Hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday season, Happy New Year! Stay safe, and I'll see you guys real soon. - iPandacakes ♥️

Hey guys, it's been a while.. Longer than I thought. Time has been flying by lately..

It's been so long, I don't even know how many of you are left from my original dA community group. (The ones who have been following me since I began my NG art, etc) I'm sure most of you have moved on by now; if you're not still drawing yourself, I'm sure you've moved on from me. And I wouldn't be upset if you did. It's true, I havn't been around; I havn't been active. And I'm sorry about that... Life has been, well, complicated.

If there are still people who remember me and have been sticking around and waiting for any update from me, I want you guys to know that I am still here; I'm just inactive still. I do still check in from time to time because I miss you guys, I do. Life has been interfering a lot, and it sucks.. but sometimes that's how it goes.

Basically ever since I lost my son in 2019, my life hasn't been the same.. I'm sure a lot of you who followed me for a while noticed this. My activity started slowing down, I stopped talking, and after a while I was just gone completely. I lost interest in even opening my computer, I lost inspiration to keep drawing and continueing my characters stories, I just lost everything. And honestly, I still don't have it back.

Everyday since my pregnancy loss, I've been battling. From December 2019 to today, February 2021, I'm still fighting to figure myself out again, find who I am. Bring myself back. Losing Sorin tore a piece out of me I know I can never get back. Even as I'm typing this, it feels like there's a hole in the middle of my chest.. just a piece missing. A part of me, who I am, who I was supposed to be; just gone. It's hard to deal with.. still.

During my final visit with my Midwife, she told me it's possible I have PTSD from the situation, and I wouldn't deny that fact.. I've been battling depression that rears its head every now and then randomly. Not a suicidal, need to harm kind of depression; just a deep down emptiness to the point I almost feel hollow kind of depression. I dont eat as much anymore, I barely do anything when I'm home besides watch tv and clean. I put my life into my work; especially since the pandemic started. I have been working since day one of this Corona outbreak, and believe me when I say, it hasn't been easy. I've been overworked, always tired, and stressed to the point my anxiety/panic attacks have started coming back.

(Which makes working hard. When you are trying to focus on doing your job, but all your body is telling you to do is run away and hide, and all you can do is hold back tears as your heart races and try your best to catch your breath while still trying to do your job.)

PTSD, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, stress; These are all things I've been dealing with.. So I apologize if I do not come online anymore, or I do not draw anymore..

Believe me, I want to. I miss it.

I love my characters, I still adore MLP and the fandom I was involved in. I love the friends I made and being able to entertain so many people with my art and stories. It made me so happy. But right now, I just can't. I need to keep focusing on myself. I need to find myself again. There is no motivation for anything right now, I feel nothing; and I hate it. I feel nothing but darkness, as cheesy as that sounds. My life is a routine and that's just how it has to be until I can find a way out of it.. and I will; someday. I'll figure it out. But unfortunetly, finding myself again takes time; and it's something I have to do by myself.

In other (good) news though, I do plan on saving up for a decent drawing tablet.. maybe by then, I'll have motivation back. I'll have the inspiration I need to continue my stories and revive the characters and the world I've created in my NG series. I would LOVE to. Which is why I have not close my account, or sold my characters. I love them too much to do that.. I loved being in this community too much to do that.

Maybe when I get more time to myself, and feel inspired, I may continue writing stories about my characters at least; If I can't bring myself to draw them, maybe I can at least write about them.. in any attempt to keep my characters alive.. Especially since so many other users actually have characters in my universe themselves. It's a shame that the Pandaverse is on hiatus because of that. (Also, to those reading this who have characters in the Pandaverse NG, just because I'm inactive, doesn't mean you have to stop using your characters either. I would love to keep seeing art and stories about them, even if I don't have time or motivation to make any myself)

From a personal life standpoint, (Not including my personal life issues), lifes been alright. Travis and I are still together, going on 7 years in May. Still just as in love as ever, still going strong. We're arent engaged still, but soon hopefully. My dog Iggy is still doing good; he hasn't changed all that much. He's still a good boy. I still work in the Dairy department, I'm still the backup department manager, etc. Nothing in my life has changed really.. and in general, I'm doing ok. I love my life.. I just have an internal battle to keep fighting. Depression doesn't mean you start hating everything about your life. You can be happy and feel loved, and still be depressed. Its a complicated mix of emotions, but its true. I'm doing fine.

If anyone is still reading this, I would like to say thank you. If anyone still reading this is someone who's been following me for a while, or is a friend of mine, I want to say I miss you, and I love you guys.. And I hope someday we can pick up where I left off.

I know I have a lot to catch up on, and I hope someday I can start doing that.

I will keep checking in from time to time to answer messages or comments, but I fear you may not see much art from me still for a little while.

Until next time.. - Panda